Million Dollar Questions

As I mentioned previously,
I'm participating in a sleep study.
I've done this before,
so I'm pretty familiar with the routine.

Every night before bed,
I take the test medication.
Because it's a double-blind study,
neither I, nor the sleep lab,
know for sure if I'm taking the real thing
or the placebo.

I can assure, I'll know.
If I get more than four hours of sleep,
not only will I be a happy camper,
but I'll know that I'm taking the real deal.

I'm given a log pad that looks much like a Black Berry.
I complete a questionnaire every evening before bed,
and every morning when I wake.

How well did you sleep?
How many times did you wake up?
How many minutes/hours were you awake?
How do you feel right now?

blah blah blah

The drug company is a little paranoid.
It's their first time testing a sleep drug.
They're covering all the bases.
They're particularly concerned about
depression and suicide.

The screening questions were very interesting.
Some were expected and not surprising.
Others ... well ...


Do you sometimes believe that messages are relayed to you via the radio, television or newspaper?

Hell yeah! How else are the Powers supposed to communicate?

Do your friends or members of your family think some of your ideas are questionable?

Of course. Have you heard some of my ideas?

Do you sometimes think that you are invincible and above reproach?

Yes. And I even have a cape to prove it.


Then the questions got weird
and crossed over a line even I wouldn't travel over.

The answers I posted above were in jest,
and not what I said during the interview.
But the responses below were, in fact, my answers.


Do you sometimes hurt or kill small animals?

WHAT?! NO!!

Have you ever forced small children to have sex with you?

WHAT?!! WHAT THE HELL?! NO!!!! HAS SOMEONE SAID YES TO THAT?!


That was disturbing on so many levels.
I had some pretty vivid nightmares.
It's no wonder I didn't sleep well last night.