Tuesday, September 29, 2009


My brother sent me this video.

I realize this is a stupid stunt.
Right up there with the drunken frat boys
who use a driver to hit a golf ball
that is sitting on their buddy's butt crack.
(I'm not kidding ... look it up)

But despite that,
you really gotta admire the physics that went into this stunt.
The precision is awesome.

Hey, Budge ... we could set one of these up at the farm.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Open Letter

An open letter to the drivers travelling westbound on the 407ETR.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Dear Idiots,

If you were driving this morning, westbound on the 407, at or about 9:00 a.m. this morning, in the torrential downpour, without your lights on, then this letter is for you.

Yeah, I'm talking to you, you moron in the grey cube van. And you ... you there! ... in the black Hyundai. And don't think I didn't notice you, Mr. White Honda.

If it is raining so damn hard that your wipers can't keep up, and you can't see more than 10 feet in front of you, let alone the car that's there, would it not stand to reason that the poor schmuck (read: me!) behind you can't see you either? Or is that too difficult for your pea brain to figure out.

Daytime running lights on older cars only activate the headlights, not the tail lights. Therefore, you need to turn on the entire set of lights when the visibility is the equivalent of dusk--with a dash of hurricane thrown in for good measure.

And don't give me the excuse that you'll forget to turn them off. Perhaps standing in the driving rain jump starting your car will teach you a lesson, Spark.

Oh, and Mr. I-Don't-Need-To-Change-My-Tail-Lights, you can join Sparky in the driving rain to change your bulbs. Driving around in a storm, with nothing but the tiny overhead break lamp working and neither of the two main ones, is a suicide mission. You're either blind, or stupid.

Probably both.


The only driver with lights.

There. I feel better now.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Sonic Hearing Aid

My guilty pleasure is infomercials.
I absolutely love them
and I'm completely addicted.

I find them entertaining.
You see someone who is trying,
for instance,
to curl their hair.
They have a tortured look on their face,
their curling iron is caught in their hair,
and they're struggling like mad.

Then they show someone using the
Turbo 2000 Curling Iron Pro
(or some equally ridiculous name)
and suddenly they're smiling,
they're aura is glowing brightly,
and their hair looks absolutely maaaahvelous!

My current favourite infomercial is for the
Sonic Hearing Aid.

They go on and on about the things that you'll hear,
like conversations you'll covertly listen to.
Isn't this illegal?

By far, the best line in this is at the 110 marker.
Some chick in a bikini (sex sells, right?)
walks by two other girls on a beach.
One girl turns to the other and says:
"Her body is amazing!"

There is no way on God's green acre that ANY woman
would say that about any other woman.
It's more likely she'd be saying

"Would you look at that skanky ho.
Who does she think she is?!
Did she look in the mirror before she left the house?"

They're slogan is:
"Get Super Sonic now and hear things you've never heard before."

You know what?
I don't need to hear what people are saying out of earshot.
I have a pretty good idea already.
Probably the same thing I'm saying about them.

And it's not nice.

Thursday, September 24, 2009


Are you on Twitter?
I used to be.
But I got bored and deleted my account.

No one needs to know what I'm doing,
every second,
of every day.

More to the point ...
no one cares.

But then I found this:


Wednesday, September 23, 2009

The Pictures Are In

My photo shoot with Amanda Morrison-Hill was an absolute blast. I urge you to check out her blog and her website. She made me feel completely at ease and we laughed the entire time.

When she took the first picture, it simply came naturally for me to cock my head just so and pose. She commented that it was nice to work with someone who knew immediately what to do.

I told her it was experience. I've had two weddings -- I know the drill.

In case you're wondering (and I realize only the girls will), I did my own makeup, but Carolyn from Laurel Richards Hair styled my hair. It looks awesome. Thanks, Carolyn!

So, out of the lot of pictures Amanda gave me on CD, I chose these:

As you may have already noticed, this is going to be my Voices Blog picture.

There was no question when I saw this that it would be the Urban Contessa picture. It's black and white and I even look like a Contessa.

However, I may use this picture for the Urban Contessa site, under the About tab. I have to think about this for a bit before I finalize that decision. Not to mention I still have to finish updating the site.

Because I have it, I'm going to use this for Facebook. One of the few reasons I maintain my FB account is because I have an Urban Contessa group, which I use to broadcast information about craft shows I'm attending.

Oh, all right ... I'm keeping Facebook because I'm completely addicted to Farmville. Thanks to Cousin Alex and Lady Fairchilde.

And this picture. Well, what can I say about this one. I'm going to peek my head out of the closet here.

I have a writing blog that I have created under a pen name. Many of you may or may not realize that you're already following it. Once you see this picture posted, you'll put two and two together (mind you, if you're anything like me, it won't add up to four). I like to think that my writing has improved and I feel pretty confident now, so I'm ready to step out. I will keep the pen name, though. I like it, and would likely use it professionally (God willing!).

Thanks, again, Amanda for making me look absolutely wonderful.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

You've Got Mail

As I've mentioned, The Husband is on vacation in Europe.

One of the main reasons I didn't tag along was because he's going mainly to attend the Auto Show in Germany. But he's also going to England where he will tour all the military sites. Not my cup of tea. He's a bit of a military junkie and as much as I find it interesting to tour bunkers, submarines and war museums, I can only take so much of it.

He has been texting and emailing me regularly.

A few of the better ones:

We are on our way now. An accountant, an optometrist, a dental supply sales rep and an undertaker in an Audi A6 wagon heading south about to cross into Denmark. My communication has two purposes: first to let you know I'm alive, and second to satisfy Nils who wants me to try his mini laptop with wifi internet hookup. Before you get jealous, typing in a moving car with a European keyboard is a pain in the ass.

* * *

Crossed into Germany and advanced swiftly south. We have finally achieved our objective. I feel like Patton!

[that one made me laugh out loud]

* * *

TH: Beer and sausages for lunch. Now looking at VW. Want me to bring one home?
Me: Sure! Yellow 5 speed convertible.
TH: Dream on.

* * *

[Now, I'm pretty sure he told me that he was coming home on Thursday. But I think what he said was that it was Thursday when he left Europe, but it would be Friday when he arrived here. Of course, my ADD only let me focus on Thursday.]

Me: Miss you! Can't wait till Thursday
TH: I don't know who is coming over Thursday, but I will be home Friday.

* * *

And last night ...

English pub with first beer (not Guinness) fish & chips on order. Wish you were here.

* * *

Alright, now he's just rubbing it in.

Monday, September 21, 2009

A stitch in time

As you know, I've been on staycation since last Monday.
Hence, the limited blogging.

I thought I'd take advantage of the time off
and schedule a few doctor's appointments.
Family Doc.

I know, the spa isn't the doctor,
but it's for medicinal purposes.
At least that's my story,
and I'm sticking to it.

So last Monday I went to see my family doctor.
I had a few concerns about some brown patches.
I've had some serious sunburns in the past,
and just wanted to be sure.

All's well.

But he took a look at a "growth"
... for lack of a better word ...
that gives me grief on my ankle.
Every time I shave my legs,
I nick it and
bleed like a stuck pig.

I didn't think it was anything to be
concerned about,
but thought I'd bring it up.

He pokes.
He prods.
He hums.
He haws.

Then says ...

"It's a tumor."

I look at him.
I must have had a WHAT?!
expression on my face,
because he quickly said ...

"Oh! It's benign. Happens all the time."
And he waves it off.
"But it should come out."

So I went back today.
So he could take it out.

Three stitches later ...

I go back next Monday to have the stitches out.

It doesn't hurt,
per se.

But ask me again when the freezing wears off.

* * *


OK. The Freezing's worn off.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Still on Staycation

So far, the Staycation is going well. I'm not getting near as much writing done as I wanted, but I am relaxing.

Last night, I think, was the first night I slept through without waking up. I'm sure if I look out the window right now, there will be three wisemen and a virgin walking up the street, following a very large glowing star.

I had my photo shoot with Amanda yesterday. It really was quite fun and I think I'll have to do that again some time ... when I actually lose those 40-damn pounds.

She posted a few pics on her Facebook group. This one is my favourite:

I should receive the CD with all the pictures next week. Give me a chance to sift through them and I'll post a new profile picture. I'll be using them on this blog, my Urban Contessa blog and website, and, quite possibly, my writing blog, on which I use a pen name.

I may come out of the closet even.

Cuz if mine eyes don't deceive me, that there picture up there sure does look like a jacket cover don't it?

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

On Staycation

So, yesterday The Husband left for vacation.
He'll be gone almost two weeks.
Ten days, to be exact.

Where'd he go? you ask.
He's gone to the Auto Show.

In Germany.

Go big or go home, I always say.

His best friend lives in Sweden.
So he calls up TH and sez:
Wanna go to the Auto Show?
Absolutely no hesitation ...

And off he goes.

He's staying in Sweden with our friends for a few days.
Then he's driving with a bunch of guys to Germany.
Then back to Sweden.
Then the two boys are going to England for a few days.
Then TH comes home.

It all sounds so pooh-poohey doesn't it?

What am I doing? you ask.

Well, let's see ...

As I noted on the Contessa blog,
I'm reworking my website,
I have my photo shoot on Thursday,
I'm doing some writing,
playing ALOT of Bedazzle on Facebook,
re-watching Buffy
and ...

it's spa day on Friday.
Alex, BJ and I are doing
massages, manis and pedis.
And generally catching up on gossip.

Can't wait!

Monday, September 14, 2009

What a Tool

I know everyone's talking about it.
Ya'll have an opinion.
Not surprising ... so do I.

I didn't watch the awards last night.
But I did get to watch a news clip,
and a rerun today.

Ya'll know I'm a Country Music fan.
Admittedly, I wasn't always a Taylor Swift fan.
Not at the beginning.
But the more I read and hear about this girl,
the more I like her.

I like Beyoncé.
Girl has made big booties fashionable.
She's my hero!

Kanye West ...
Never been a fan.

And this sealed it for me.

Jumping on stage,
stealing the spotlight from Taylor,
was just about the lowest thing I've seen.
And to shout that Beyoncé's video
was one of the best videos of all time.

Hmmm ...
Not so sure about that.

No offence, Beyoncé.
I like the video.
It's a catchy tune.
It's fun.
The dancing is pretty good in it.
You looked hot.
All the spoofs on YouTube are hilarious.

Can it claim status as one of the best?
Hmmmm ...
You know, I'm just going to let that one go.

But Kanye ...
Kanye, Kanye, Kanye.

He's nothing but a spoiled brat.
I don't care what his excuse was.
Whatever the reason.
That was completely inexcusable.

I read that he apologized to Taylor on his blog.
It wasn't much of an apology, if you ask me.
He did say that he talked to her mother.
"...and she said the same thing my mother would've said."

I hope she told you how much of an embarrassment you were.

And I hope his mother bitch-slapped him upside the head for that.

Friday, September 11, 2009


My blow dryer died the other day.
No warning.
Just decided not to work anymore.
Kicked it's little legs up in the air,
and rolled over.

Needless to say, I was pissed off.
I realize it wasn't new,
but I liked it.
A lot.

So The Husband is out with The Girl.
Last minute school shopping ...
laundry detergent, toilet paper ...
you know, typical school stuff.

They're at Costco and I get a phone call.
He starts reading me the description of
a blow dryer he found.
It sounds great, so he brings it home.

Ta da!

Red is my favourite colour.
So already, I'm psyched.
It looks very hi-tech.
It weighs a ton.
And is supposed to be professional grade.

We'll see about that.
If it can make my hair look like it does when
Lady Heather styles it, then fine.
I'm doubting it, though.

I was flipping through the pamphlet,
reading the instructions.
It was the usual crap.
Don't swim with it.
Don't strangle your little brother with the cord.
Don't use it as a cat-o-nine tail.

But then I came to #7.
Can you read that?
In case you can't, it says,
and I quote:

"Never use while sleeping."

Like ... never?
Cuz, like, you know,
I ALWAYS style my hair in my dreams.
It turns out better that way.

Usually, when warnings are put on labels,
it's because at least one person has
done whatever it is that requires said warning.

I want to meet the person who can blow dry
their hair
Cuz, quite frankly,
that's pretty damn impressive.

Talk about multi-tasking.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

It's personal

I know I bitch and moan about the GO Train.
A lot.
You would too, if you took it on a regular basis.

Today's B&M --
not to be confused with a plain old BM,
which is a whole other pile of crap--
is about personal hygiene.

We're not talking about daily showering.
Although, some commuters could do with a hint.
Or two.

Personal hygiene is called personal hygiene for a reason.
That means you don't do it in public.

I'm talking about two things that really REALLY irk me:

1. Makeup

If you're running late for work,
do not ... and I can't stress this enough ...
put on a full face of make up on the train.
Dabbing on a little lipstick is okay.
But to sit with an open makeup bag on your lap
with compacts and tubes and pens
laid out before you
is not cool.
Nor is it even remotely pretty.

If you didn't have time to do it at home,
wait 'till you get to the office and do it there.

By far, the worst offence is the grossest of gross.
I can't believe that people do this in public:

2. Nails

There are people who regularly cut their nails
with a nail clipper
on the GO Train.

That little shard of nail becomes airborne
and flies god-knows-where.

The sound, alone, makes me cringe.
tink, tink, tink


People freak out when they see a hair lying somewhere.
Do you know how many germs are on our hands?
Under our fingernails?!

I'm just waiting for the day I actually see someone
whip off a sock and start doing their toes.

For the love of all that is good, people,
take care of your personal hygiene at home!

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Is Hell Endothermic or Exothermic?

I'm sure this is fake.
Especially the final paragraph.
Quite frankly, I don't care.
It is still one of the funniest things I've ever read.

* * *

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."


Tuesday, September 8, 2009

The Office Pub

Robi and I work for three male lawyers.
We're a little outnumbered.
(We also work for eight students
but that's another story.)

The boys,
as we call them,
have a magnetic dart board
set up in one of their offices.

It is not uncommon to hear
pop ... pop ... pop
as each dart is thrown
and lands on the board.

Not just once in a while.
We're talking a lot.
At least once every half hour
one or more of them is throwing a trio of darts.

There's a serious competition going on, too.
I don't know what it is exactly,
I just know that there's a lot of cheering that goes on
then someone else will get called in to witness the score.

It's all very official.
They are, after all, lawyers.
There's even a line "drawn" on the carpet
in red electrical tape
which has been duly initialled by all participants.

Robi and I think we should start a pub night.
No cover for Ladies on Fridays.

I wonder if we can sneak in a pool table.

Friday, September 4, 2009

If MicroSoft made cars

I have a love-hate relationship with MicroSoft.
Ask any of my friends.

It pisses me off to no end that Bill Gates
assumes that we're all imbeciles
and has rigged the software to think for us.

I don't want the next line to format like the previous one.
I especially don't want my document to
arbitrarily start automatic numbering for me.
And don't even get me started on the crashing!

Needless to say,
each time I come across this little piece
that I share with you today,
I nod sagely and cackle like a lunatic.

#3 makes me laugh out loud every time.

* * *

At a computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors made the following contribution to the debate: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would just die on the motorway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the car windows, shut it off, restart it, and re-open the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuver would cause your car to stop and fail to restart and you'd have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you'd accept this, too.

5. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

6. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a "Car 95" or a "Car NT". But then you'd have to buy more seats.

7. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, twice as reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive - but it would only run on five percent of the roads.

8. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars which would make their cars go much slower.

9. The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.

10. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for many years.

11. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft petrol and lubricants but the packaging would be superb.

12. New seats would force everyone to have the same size arse.

13. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

14. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

15. They wouldn't build their own engines, but form a cartel with their engine suppliers. The latest engine would have one cylinder, multi-point fuel injection and four turbos, but it would be a side-valve design so you could use Model-T Ford parts on it.

16. There would be an "Engine Pro" with bigger turbos, but it would be slower on most existing roads.

17. Microsoft cars would have a special radio/cassette player which would only be able to listen to Microsoft FM, and play Microsoft Cassettes. Unless of course, you buy the upgrade to use existing stuff.

18. Microsoft would do so well, because even though they don't own any roads, all of the road manufacturers would give away Microsoft cars free, including IBM.

19. If you still ran old versions of car (ie. CarDOS 6.22/CarWIN 3.11), then you would be called old fashioned, but you would be able to drive much faster, and on more roads!

20. If you couldn't afford to buy a new car, then you could just borrow your friend's, and then copy it.

21. Whenever you bought a car, you would have to re-organize the ignition for a few days before it worked.

22. You would need to buy an upgrade to run cars on a motorway next to each other.

23. Every time Microsoft introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

24. Microsoft would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Automobile Association Road maps (now a Microsoft subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more.

25. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Deep Fried Heart Attack

I received a BlackBerry message from GTB the other day:

If this isn't blog worthy, nothing is.

There was a link to this picture:

Me: Sweet Jeebus! I need a cigarette now.

GTB: I knew you'd like that.

Who wouldn't?!
Would you just look at that ...
Fat and calories sandwiched between deep-fried grease.

Does it get any better than that?

And if there's any question whether this is real, check out the link.

I told The Husband about it.
An odd grin spread over his face,
rather Rapture-esque.
Scary, really.

He told me about the KFC Bowl.
Said it was called Heart Attack in a Bowl.
Described it as:

Boxed mashed potatoes,
salty, greasy gravy,
deep fried chicken poppers,
and corn.

I had it once.

I thought, after his description,
he was going to tell me it sucked.

I should have known better.

His eyes glazed over,
he got this goofy grin on his face,
then said

It was goooooood!

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Rainbow Dreams

You all remember the story of Baby Bingo, right?
I forgot to mention that BJ is determined to raise a gay son.
Her theory is that gay men are wonderful to their mothers.
We're in total agreement.
Despite the fact that he plays with cars,
we're still hoping that perhaps he's just butch.

But the rainbow broke through the clouds today.
BJ sent Alex and me this email:

Good morning!

Just thought I'd let auntie Mo and auntie Alex know that Baby Bingo has pulled my bikini top from the laundry and has draped it over his head and found my tampons and is carrying two of them around whilst bikini-clad.

You know what this means, don't you?

Of course they'll take his mommy and his aunties.

Boo-yah. Hooray for gays.

p.s. is "whilst" a word?? I mean, for other than just douchebags?

Love, BJ

I'm having the week from hell.
That just absolutely made my day.

Alex replied:

what colour is the bikini???
This is important.
If it's blue it doesn't count but pink or yellow and we're talking! lol

When Bingo is older, we're totally taking him with us on Spa Day.