A Pittance of Time

My heartfelt thanks
to those who gave all
that I,
a total stranger,
may live free

A Thrilling Night

I left work on time last night.
Well, sort of.
But at least I didn't stay late.

This is akin to a miracle for me.

I'm on the GO Train.
And this guys sits down beside me.
His iPod is screaming loud.
And he's playing Thriller.

I text The Husband
to let him know I'm on my way home.

on 5:10. beside some idiot who's playing thriller so loud i can make out the lyrics!

TH responds:

raking leaves. jackson rules. shamon.

Death from Below

Marc, over at Daily Writing Practice,
had a link to this piece.
I can't tell you how many times
I've watched this.
And I laugh harder every time.



Also worth watching are The Poem About Kicking Your Ass and Living on a Prayer.

Think before you speak

Thanks to CourTini for sending me this.

CourTini is leaving for Italy tonight.
All together now ...
"We hate you, CourTini!"

Oh, not really.
Have a great time, Court!




Have you ever spoken
and wished that you could
immediately take the words back?

Here are the Testimonials of
a few people who did:


FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband
and three kids in tow
and asked loudly:
"How much do you charge for a shampoo
and a blow job?"

I turned around and walked back out
and never went back.
My husband didn't say a word...
He knew better.


SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing
different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type
I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the
good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.

Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
"I think I like playing with men's balls."


THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall
and passed by a store that sold
a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked
if we needed any help.

I replied,
"No, I'm just looking at your nuts."

My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned,
and I turned beet-red
and walked away.
To this day,
my sister has never let me forget.


FOURTH TESTIMONY:

While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
right now she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and
said in a voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"

The silence was deafening after
this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers
stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last
of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with
my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard as
the door closed behind me,
were screams of laughter.


FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child
a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had
a lot of problems with potty training
and I was on him constantly.

One day we stopped at Taco Bell
for a quick lunch,
in between errands.
It was very busy,
with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny.
So of course, I checked
my seven-month-old daughter,
and she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny
had not asked to go potty
in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said "No".
I kept thinking
"Oh Lord, that child
has had an accident, and I don't
have any clean clothes with me."
Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE
you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,
because the smell was getting worse.
So, I asked one more time,
"Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up,
yanked down his pants,
bent over,
spread his cheeks
and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"

While 30 people nearly
choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants
and sat down.

An older couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!


LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This one had most of the
State of Michigan laughing
for two days and
a very embarrassed female news anchor
who will, in the future,
likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow,
but don't get any?

We had a female news anchor who,
the day after it was supposed
to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that eight inches
you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too,
they were laughing so hard!


(Quite frankly, I can't believe
none of these experiences are mine)

Yeah ... what he said

Thanks to Devi for sending this one.

Devi is possibly the most
Christian Hindu I know.
She pointed out to me yesterday
that her friend
calls her Chrindu.
*snort*
Good one!

Face to Face

Barna Boo sent me this gem yesterday (thanks Boo!):


UCLA Study

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example:

If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

Those songs in my head

The Husband has this
uncontrollable desire
to drive me insane.
I'm not sure why.
Perhaps it is his purpose in life.
Many of us wonder why we're here
on this earth.
TH knows.
It's to make me nuts.

His favourite way of doing this
is to plant an annoying
song in my head.

Today was no exception.

The news this morning
was all about
Prince Charles and Camilla
who are here in Canada
visiting for the first time
as a married couple.

The news reader said that
they will be attending
the opening ceremony for the
Royal Winter Fair.

"Gee," I mused to TH,
"When's the last time royalty
opened the Winter Fair?"

"Oh, I don't know," he countered.
"I'm sure there's always someone
who attends, even if it's just..."

and he pauses
for just a fraction of a second
and I know that he's up to something

"...the Duke of Earl."

And I can see it in his face.
He's trying not to smile.
He has this evil smirk on his face.

And then I hear the chanting
in my head

Duke, Duke, Duke,
Duke of Earl,
Duke, Duke, Duke ...

*sigh*
Well ...
I supposed it's better than
Kungfu Fighting,
which is what he usually
tortures me with.

Halloween 2009

Puppy is not excited about Halloween.

Someone's knocking at the door
every two minutes.

There are little people
(strangers, no less!)
dressed in scary costumes.

He's not a happy camper.

So I was a little surprised
at his reaction to the first
trick-or-treater:

a curly blonde
two-year old
Bunny.

"OOOOoooo," I exclaimed.
"The dog LOVES bunnies."

Mom knew exactly what I was
talking about and we laughed.
Puppy wasn't too sure though,
and backed away.

"We have a big dog too," says Mom.
"She loves him."

And to prove the point,
the cute little Bunny holds out her hand.

I don't know what Puppy was thinking ...
maybe he thought she had a treat.
But he ran full tilt at her
and licked her face
from her chin
right up to her forehead.

One giant slurp.

I was a little worried about their reaction,
but Mom laughed and
the little bunny squealed in delight.
She gave Puppy a big hug
and they were instant best friends.

I don't think I'm ever
going to figure this dog out.

Trick or Treat

I ran out of dog cookies.
I gave Puppy the last one last night.
Now I have nothing for today.
I'm a bad mommy.

When I was talking to The Husband today,
I mentioned we need to get Snacks for Puppy.
We can't say 'Cookie' in front of him.
He knows that word quite well.
He'll come running over to you,
with his ears up,
panting like a lunatic,
expecting a treat.

We usually buy his cookies
at Costco,
but given that Halloween is tomorrow,
there should be hundreds of people
lining up to buy candy by the cart load.

So I suggested we go to the pet store.

"There shouldn't be that many people there," I mused.
"Except, of course, all the ones who are buying
costumes for their dogs, cats and hamsters."

"Right," says TH.

"Do hamsters wear costumes?" I wondered.

The ever-knowledgeable TH replied:
"They limit it to face-painting for hamsters."

Circus Freaks

I don't often get to leave work on time,
so when I rushed out to catch
the 4:53
I didn't have much choice in seats.
I sat across from an enormous man
who sat with his legs widely spread,
and a ginormous gut hanging down.

Not pretty.

GTB is almost always on this train,
but I know he prefers a car at the
opposite end of the train.

So I text him:


Me: On 453. You?

GTB: Yes. Car 7. No seats tho.

Me: I'm in the middle somewhere.

GTB: I see. It's hot in here.

Me: It is! I'm across from a HUGE man.

GTB: Bigger than a bread box?

Me: Oh yeah!

GTB: Bigger than a dancing circus bear?

Me: Bigger than a bakery!

GTB: Oh, I have to think bigger I see.

Me: He's a circus elephant.

GTB: Is he wearing a hat?

I glance over

Me: No hat.

Where's he going with this?

GTB: Dumbo wore a hat you know. So he's really a zoo elephant then, since no hat.

Me: LMAO!

She Gives Awards

I follow a wonderful writer,
who blogs under the name
ShePoet.

You really should go over
and read her work.
It's dark
and mysterious
and sensuous.
I love it.

She gave me an award,
under my pen name
which I have posted over there.
But I felt bad that
even though I adore this woman,
I wasn't going to write a post about her
at my other blog.

You see,
I want to keep my writing blog just that:
only writing.
I don't know why I need to do that --
I just do.
All you people with OCD will understand.

Something happens when I log in
under my pen name.
It's like a muse to me.
Here, I can be Crazy Mo
and make everyone laugh
(although, I appreciate, today ...
not so funny),
but with my Writing Hat on
I can be someone else.

There,
I am a Writer;
hunched over a manual typewriter,
cigarette dangling from my mouth,
half-empty glass of scotch
leaving water rings on the walnut desk.

I know that ShePoet understands.
So, ShePoet,
Know that I love your work
and I very much appreciate the award.

Blessings.
xo

Mini Means More. Right?

Halloween is right around the corner.
Actually, since it's this Saturday,
I supposed it's not just around the corner,
it's right down the street,
just a few houses away.

Whether or not you celebrate this holiday,
it's hard to ignore.
Everywhere you go, there are
witches,
spiders,
pumpkins,
ghosts,
black cats ...

and little mini candy bars.

Whoever invented these wee nuggets
should be canonized.
We could call him
Saint Morsel.

I got in the elevator last night
to go home
and was watching the little tv.

There was a bold announcement
that went something like:

"Don't want leftover candy?
We have a recipe for you
that will use up all the
leftover Halloween treats.
Visit captivate.ca"

'Leftover candy'?
What is this phenomenon of which you speak?
Who in the world has leftover candy?
I don't know about ya'll,
but The Husband and I buy
MORE
than we need,
just to be sure we have leftovers.

Isn't that the point???

We pick through the stash,
setting aside the ones we each like most,
then leave the rest for the
wee kiddies.

If we run out ...
well, too bad.
You kids don't need all that sugar anyway.

What?
You think I'm actually going to dip into
my OWN stash?
Pshhhht!
Yeah.
Right!
It takes a lot of work to be this fluffy.

Texting for Dummies

The other day,
Nephew #2 texted his mom ...
Cousin Alex to the rest of you.

But rather than texting her cell,
he accidentally texted the house.
If you've never experienced this,
what happens is you get a recorded
phone message that reads
the text message to you.

So Alex gets a phone message,
from a woman,
who says something about
the science trip on Wednesday.

Cousin Alex said it was really weird
to hear a message that was from her son,
but in a woman's voice.

Of course, Nephew #2 gets a confirmation text:
"your text has been successfully sent by atnt".
He doesn't notice his first mistake,
thinks his mom has texted him back, and
immediately sends a reply:
"what the f*ck is atnt?!"

Cousin Alex gets another voice message,
and the woman even says the eff word.

Now, if you don't think
I'm not going to start texting everyone at home,
you don't know me very well.

The texting saga gets better ...

The next day,
Nephew #2 sends a text message to his mom:
"bringing Friend home. can u drive him home?"
she replies that she can't,
she's in Newmarket and will be home late,
"text your dad"

Which he does.
And he gets a reply back:
"Sure thing buddy."

So he brings his friend home.
And his dad immediately asks
why he didn't call first
cuz he can't drive him home,
since the car is in the shop.
Nephew #2 argues that he did,
and that he responded.
His dad asks to see his phone
and looks up the text message.

Turns out, Nephew #2 texted
my brother.
And if you know anything about
French Canadians,
we're notorious for being
trouble-makers.

Dad hands the phone back to
Nephew #2.
"You texted Uncle Donald."

Needless to say,
Nephew #2 is pissed and texts Budge.
"Why did you respond?"

Budge replies:
"Pay attention son."

I laughed so hard when Cousin Alex told me that.
And I know that my brother is going to be laughing
even harder when he reads this and re-lives that moment.

Cell Phone: $100
Wireless Package: $40 / month
Smart Ass Uncle: Priceless

Facts about the Human Body

Thanks, Budge, for sending me yet another gem!

I added my own comments in italics.
What?
You're surprised by that?




It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
(Why, then, does it stay on my hips for 10 years?)

One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).
(That explains the whole Rapunzel story.)

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
*snort*

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
(Considering the size of my thighs, they better be!)

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
(Well, of course! How fast does your heart have to beat when you're lying on the couch?)

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
(EW! and may I add ICK!!)

Women blink twice as often as men.
(It's a natural tick that occurs from repressing the urge to kill.)

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
(I have a lot of skin and very little brain. This doesn't surprise me one bit.)

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
(This body needs WAY more than 300 muscles, man!)

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
(Has someone actually licked everything in the universe to prove this theory?)


And, not surprising ...

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
(I looked at my own thumb. If I was a guy, I'd be in movies ... in a Ron Jeremy kinda way.)

The Corner Book Store

My brother sent me this gem. Thanks, Budge!


If you can't find the book you want
you're probably shopping at the ...