Thursday, December 31, 2009

A little off the top

It's obvious that I should not have
opposable thumbs
or try to cook.
Probably both.

I was making lasagna the other day.
Thought I'd surprise The Husband.

I have the noodles in the pot, cooking.
I have ground beef sizzling in a pan,
and I'm chopping some onions,
when I decide that some extra meat
might be nice with the lasagna.

And slice a bit off the top of my thumb.

Despite how much it hurt,
all I can think is:
TH is never going to let me live this down.

I tightly wrap it up,
slap a bandaide on it,
and continue to make dinner.

I'm a trooper, if not coordinated.

But it won't stop bleeding,
and I quickly soak through two bandaides.

I finish cooking the sauce
and the noodles,
but my thumb is beginning to ache.

And I'm getting a little worried,
'cause it won't stop bleeding.

I call TH at work.

"When are you coming home?" I ask, my voice a high-pitched falsetto, trying to sound all innocent. He doesn't buy it.

"Why?" He sounds suspicious.

"Now don't laugh when I tell you this," I warn, "'cause it hurts and it won't stop bleeding."

He laughs anyway. "Were you trying to cook again?" And I laugh in spite of the pain and the need to choke him. In a rush of words, I tell him what happened, and he immediately puts his Responsible Hat on.

"Is it above the nail?"


"That's good."


"'s good that you didn't chop your thumb off."

Always looking at the bright side. Thanks, TH.

By the time he gets home, the bleeding is minimal. It looks like I'll live to ring in the new year. But I'm a little sore and I don't have the energy to put together the lasagna. So TH kicks me out of the kitchen, puts it all together and throws it in the oven.

He calls me to dinner and when I sit down, I notice that his place setting has a knife and fork. Mine only has a fork.

"You need to earn your right to have a knife."

"Very funny," I sneer.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

The Muppets

As a kid,
I loved Sesame Street
and even as an adult,
I still love the Muppets
(notice I said adult
and not grown-up).

I think Animal and Beaker are my favourites.

Devi sent me this video,
which I loved:

The Old Farts always cracked me up.

They had a a remake of
Bohemian Rhapsody,
but I discovered this morning
they they removed it
due to copyright infringement.
It was a good one, too!
The ending was hilarious.

So, instead,
I give you this,
which is Animal at his best:

If you search Muppets Studio on YouTube,
you'll find their Channel
with tons of videos.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Almost Famous

Well...I think my literary debut went quite well.

The Husband, Puppy and I
all sat together in the living room
and listened to the show.
Puppy kept looking back and forth,
from me to the stereo,
wondering why my voice was coming from
way over there,
when obviously I was sitting right beside him.

I got a few text messages once the show started.
And the moment it was done,
my BlackBerry exploded with messages
from friends and family
congratulating me.

What a great feeling!

Thanks to everyone who supported
me in all of this,
and continue to inflate my ego.
Special thanks to TH who,
when listening to "Grandma's Quilt" said:

"Philip?! Who's Philip?!!"

Friday, December 11, 2009


The Husband got a new coat yesterday.
A black wool pea coat.

This morning,
we're getting ready to walk out the door;
he's wearing his new pea coat
and a black toque.

I start giggling.
"You look like a long shoreman.
Either that, or you're going to rob a bank."

He glowers at me.

"I look like George Clooney!"


Thursday, December 10, 2009

Wii are Playing Now!

I bought a Wii console and Wii Fit Plus last night.

I worked out for almost an hour
and was having so much fun
that I didn't realize the time went by.

I jogged.
The guy kept turning around and waving at me.
Just watch where you're going, dude!

I jumped a skateboard.
I was doing some awesome jumps!

I swung a hoola hoop.
My hoop almost fell down until I got the rhythm.

I bicycled.
Where the hell did that stupid dog come from?

And I boxed.
I kept hitting my trainer in the face!

It was a little depressing when I set it up, though.
If you've never done this,
the program prompts you to enter your height
then tells you to stand on the console.
My bonhomme's hips and waist spread out,
then she hangs her head and says "Ooooh!"

I just about fell off the console,
I was laughing so hard.

It will be fun to watch me and my Mii
get smaller and smaller.

When I called The Husband yesterday
to told him we were going shopping
to buy the Wii, he said
"It's like living with a 12-year old...
only I don't get arrested."

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

'Twas the Night Before Christmas, Legally Speaking

Thanks to Courtini for sending me this gem:

* * *

An old Holiday story, after it has been reviewed and modified as necessary by the legal department:

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to, a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e.g., stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a.k.a. St. Nicholas a.k.a. Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter.

The minor residents, i.e., the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e., dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the party of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of head gear, e.g., kerchief and cap.)

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e., the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.

At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of Federal Tax Laws.)

Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Mark Your Calendars

Well, that didn't take long!

I ended up recording three stories
for Life Rattle:

"Grandma's Quilt",
"Saturday Morning Cartoons", and
"Memère Rosa"

which are all expected to air
THIS Sunday!!

There are two ways to listen to the show:

On Sunday, December 13, 2009 at 9:00 p.m.

Set your FM Dial to 88.1


Listen live at

As my stories are not long enough
for the entire 30 minute time slot,
they will also play another story
by another author.

The recording was fun.
I did all three stories in one take.
I only fudged a couple of words,
at which point I would pause,
then re-read the paragraph
and Virginia edited-out the errors.

She sent me the audio files after editing.
Now that I listen to them,
I realize I could have talked more slowly.
It seemed slow when I was speaking,
but listening to someone read
and having a conversation
are two entirely different things.

I also think I could have been more animated.
But that will come with experience.

And I had no idea my voice is so deep.

I have visions of the scene in Spaceballs
where Princess Vespa is singing.
"Nobody knows the trouble I've seen.
Nobody knows but Jesus.

I'm a bass!
Who knew?!

Monday, December 7, 2009

Is this thing on?

If you're keeping track,
you know that I was invited to
record a couple of stories
for Life Rattle Radio.

Tonight's the night.
I'm recording
"Grandma's Quilt" and
"Saturday Morning Cartoons"
with Virginia Ashberry and
Vikki Summerfield.

Vikki's going for support
and to make faces at me while I read.
Probably the latter, more than the former.

I don't know when it will air,
but as soon as I know,
I'll let you know.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Colour me Crazy

When we lived in our apartment,
we hung Christmas lights along the balcony.
Since everyone had white, green or red,
we decided to be different
and hung blue lights.

The next year,
our neighbours with the adjoining balcony
followed suit and also hung blue lights.

The year after that,
two more balconies had blue lights,
and each year, more joined the blue team.

When we moved into our house eight years ago,
we noticed that all the neighbours had
white, green or red lights.
Perfect, we thought, we'll be different again.
So TH strung blue lights along the eaves,
added red bulbs to the coach lights,
and set two blue spotlights
to shine on the front window.

The next year, a few more people had blue lights.
And each year after that,
more people joined the blue team.

This year, just about everyone on our street
has blue lights.

Maybe next year we'll get yellow lights.
Just to see what happens.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Rudolph and Hermey

The Husband and I watched
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
last night.

It's been a while since I saw this.
And I certainly don't recall this
claymation animation
being so politically incorrect.

I just about peed myself laughing
when Donner rebuffed Mrs. Donner
and told her she couldn't join him
in the search for Rudolph because
"this is man's work!"

I know for a fact that TH
is going to use that line a lot!

And is it just me,
or is Santa a bit of a jerk?
Telling the elf choir to hurry it along ...
I mean, really!

While watching this scene,
I said to TH
"It's obvious that Hermey is gay."

TH replied:
"Yeah, but they couldn't say 'gay'
in the 60s, so they said 'dentist'."

I laughed. "I mean, look at his hair," I said.

"Yeah," said TH. "And look at his shoes!"

With that in mind, this scene
(in fact...the entire movie)
takes on a whole new meaning!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009


The Husband got a little bored
after dinner one night.

I can only imagine what kind of child
this man was.