Friday, October 31, 2008

Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween everyone! I love Halloween. I especially love shelling out candy and seeing all the little kiddies in their costumes.

I carved our Jack-o-Lantern last night:

The Husband and I have a serious candy debate each year. Which candies do we want to buy? More importantly, which candies will we eat because we haven't given them all out. I don't know why we have so many leftovers. I'm sure it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that we buy enough to distribute to 120 kids, when we know full well we only get about 60.

As much as I'd like to dress up to shell out, I just don't have the time or, to be more honest, the energy. It's not the dressing up that tires me out, it's the de-costuming. Remove the outfit, wash off any face/body paint, fix the hair. I can't be bothered anymore.

But I have seen some amazing costumes in my time.

I've seen a group of six people dressed as a six-pack of beer. They were all dressed in brown outfits, with tin plates squished on their heads. And when they walked around, they walked in a group within a cardboard box realistically labeled as Labatt's Blue.

In high school, a couple of guys dressed up in white leotards from head to toe. They had hoola hoops around their waists with white stalkings covering them over the hoops from their necks to their thighs so that they looked like giant tear drops. They approached everyone. "Touch us!" And they felt all slimy. "Ewww! What are you supposed to be?!" "Sperm!!" they yelled.

My hairdresser was telling me about a couples' costume she saw. When you looked at them it didn't make any sense at all. One was dressed as a hippie and one was dressed as a mime. Huh?! But when asked, they said they were Peace and Quiet. Brilliant!

By far, the best costume I've seen was when The Husband and I were on a cruise. Halloween was on the third day of our cruise and there was a contest for anyone who had brought a costume. I was surprised and impressed with the number of people who brought costumes. Participants lined up on stage, the MC asked everyone their names and what their costume was and we, the audience, applauded for the results. The MC arrives at a couple whose costumes were not obvious. There's a murmur in the crowd as we're trying to figure it out. They are both wearing what appears to be dark brown burlap sacks. He is wearing horns. She has a halo and a humongous cross necklace. I turn to The Husband. "I don't get it." He shrugs. "Me neither."

The MC walks over to the couple and you can tell he is equally puzzled. "Soooo ... what are you supposed to be?" The man leans into the microphone. "I'm Bull Shit and (pointing to his wife) this is Holy Shit." Everyone burst out laughing, applauding like crazy and gave them a standing ovation.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

The Mystery of the Disappearing TP

I discovered a new blog site and commented on one of her posts (my apologies and thanks for stealing your idea Moosh!). Which got me thinking ...

It has become a family joke that I always ... and I mean ALWAYS ... have to change the tp roll wherever I go. It doesn't matter where I am. Visiting friends and family. Public washrooms. Hotels. Wherever. The roll is always down to a few squares when I sit down to do my bizness.

I am TP Girl! I'm thinking of getting a cape. Da dada daaaaa!! Maybe BJ will bedazzle a TP logo onto it for me.

I had to change the tp roll at home several days in a row. Every time I sat down, the roll needed changing. I started to get concerned that there was something wrong with The Husband. I mean, really, I put on a fresh tp roll and the very next day it needs changing? Clearly the man is eating too much fibre! This went on for about three or four days. New roll, next day, tp gone.

So I figure I need to have a chat with The Husband.

Me: "Um. Hun ... Are you ok?"
TH: "What??"
Me: "Well, it's just that we've been going through a lot of toilet paper lately and if you're not feeling well ..."

I can't finish the sentence because he's laughing hysterically now.

"I've been replacing the roll with an empty one!" More laughter.

*sigh* And my friends wonder why I'm in therapy.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

The Nose Knows

I decided to get new glasses and, hey, while I'm at it, might as well update my prescription. So I saw the Optometrist last night who said all is well, other than the astigmatism in my left eye. He gave me a prescription that will sharpen things. Hmmm ... maybe I won't wear my new glasses when I look at myself in the mirror. No sense in seeing all those bumps and lumps in focus now, is there?!

The Husband and I trot over to LensCrafters to pick out new frames. He picked out some frames that were a little funky. I hesitated. "You'll look great in these," he says. "You're French Canadian, you can get away with this."

He may be right. I was in Sudbury last weekend visiting my parents. I noticed that all the girls are wearing these glasses. They all have long beautiful hair and fabulous outfits.

"And they all seem to have big noses," I point out to The Husband. I critically peer at myself in the mirror. "Do I have a big nose?"

The Husband looks at me, cocks his head slightly, and says "No ... not relative to the rest of you."

He's a pooh head! I smacked him and we laughed. He said it knowing that I'd know he was joking. But he's still a pooh head.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Smile ... you're on Candid Robbery!

The latest brain wave by our fine city is to encourage gun owners to turn in their guns in exchange for a digital camera. Henry's will provide one of two digital cameras to anyone who hands over a gun - legal or otherwise. The bigger the gun, the better the camera. I can almost hear the barker at the CNE. Step right up, folks! Step right up! Ya pays your gun, ya gets yer camera!!

The Husband and I were getting ready for work this morning when this was announced on Breakfast Television. At the end of the pitch, the announcer emphasized that "people are asked NOT to bring their guns to Henry's. Rather, please contact ..."

"Knew that was coming!" says The Husband, laughing. "Can you just picture some schmuck showing up at Henry's with his gun cuz he doesn't want to deal with the police? The staff at Henry's will be impressed. Hey! If you do it right, you could get a free camera AND still keep your gun!"

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Mmmm .... Mmmm .... Ouch!

Nephew #1 is home convalescing. His foot is injured so badly that he has to stay off it and keep it elevated. His toenail has turned black. The doctor had to drill a hole and drain it. It is now infected and there is stuff oozing out of it. His mother wants to know if I want to take Nephew #1 home with me. Ewwwww! Gross!! NO! This is why I'm the Aunt and you're the Mom.

Nephew #1 is telling everyone that he kicked a robber in the head. The girls at school are swooning all over him and sending goo goo text messages. Smart kid.

Of course, that's not what happened. What really happened is that he dropped a can of Campbell's Soup on his foot. Nephew #1 jokes that he now wants to sue Campbells. He may actually have something here. I mean, really, we all know about the McDonald's Lawsuit.

Some moron goes through the drive-thru and orders coffee. Coffee = hot. We all know this. This woman places the hot coffee between her legs so that she can add cream and sugar. In doing so, she spills the coffee (duh!!) and suffers serious burns. A jury awards her in excess of $2.5 million dollars. It is later settled for a lower undisclosed amount. A jury decides that she is only 20% responsible for her burns due to her actions.

20%?!! How about 100%?! How many times before this incident and, perhaps afterwards, did this idiot successfully drink coffee without burning herself. Could the fact that she burned herself be a direct result of her actions? Methinks yes. McDonalds serves billions -- BILLIONS -- of coffees every single day. Why don't we hear about billions of people burning their hoo hoos willy nilly all over the country? Because they don't. And yet, a jury has set a precedent that allows irresponsible people to blame corporate America for their stupidity and get paid handsomely for it.

So Nephew #1 wants to sue Campbells. I say go for it. He has a good argument. Nowhere on the label does Campbells forewarn the consumer that dropping the can on your foot may be harmful. I'm sure an argument can be made that Nephew #1 is only 20% responsible for his injuries. Studies could be made to determine whether Campbell's soup cans are heavier than their competitors', thereby increasing the risk of injury. Perhaps the can itself is faulty. Oh, the arguments that could be made -- how delicious! (no pun intended, of course.)

Anyone know a good lawyer?

Friday, October 10, 2008

Pet Peeve #3 - The BMW Theory

I have been driving for more than 25 years now. Using my turn signal is as natural as breathing for me. In fact, when I move around the idiot who insists on driving like a little old lady in the left lane and purposely don't use my signal when I cut in front of him, I feel a little awkward. Not because I cut him off, mind you, but because I didn't use my signal.

Would it kill you to turn your signal on people? One flick. Up for right. Down for left. Easy peezy. And it even shuts off on its own. Genius!

In my 25 years of driving, I have noticed something. You must have noticed this too. When driving behind someone in a BMW, they never EVER use their turn signal. I don't know what it is, but I have yet to drive behind a Beemer that has a turn signal on when it makes a turn or lane change.

So I have come to a conclusion:

The Turn Signal Package is an option in BMWs. Not only is it an option, but this option is so expensive that it precludes the owner from purchasing it. Even after-market packages are too pricey.

This must be the reason. I mean really, they can't all be ignorant asses, can they?

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Not just a gap

As is often the case, once you reach a Certain Age, you begin to have When I Was A Kid conversations. So, upholding tradition, we were comparing notes on teenage pregnancy when we were in high school. We all knew at least one girl that was pregnant in high school.

I went to a Catholic High School, so having a pregnant, kilted teen was probably not the example the YCDSB wanted to set. The girl I knew was asked to leave once she began showing, even though everyone knew she was pregnant.

In turn, the response was the same.

"Me too."
"The girls were asked to leave."
"Yeah, no way were they staying!"

Then the youngest in the group pipes up, looking like we're all speaking a foreign language: "My school had a daycare in it!"

And that, my friends, is the chasm we call The Generation Gap.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Pet Peeve #2C - Hush Now, Voices Carry

Why some people even bother to have cell phones is beyond me. These Talkers are speaking so loudly that I'm sure everyone within a five mile radius can hear them. No phone necessary.

For the love of God, people, use your Inside Voice when talking on your cell phones. The speakers on cell phones are quite powerful and the person on the other end of the line can hear you just fine. If they can't hear you, it's more likely a signal problem. Shouting "Can you hear me now?!" louder and louder is not going to make the signal any clearer.

Not everyone needs to know your business either. Loud and personal calls made in public are both annoying and a breach of privacy. I'm sure that the person you are bitching about wouldn't appreciate you airing out their dirty laundry.

Case in point:

I was on the GO Train. Sitting in my quad were three other women, plus a fifth woman sitting in the quad across the aisle. The woman (not a teenager, but someone in her late 20s) sitting across from me immediately flips open her phone and starts talking -- VERY LOUDLY -- about Tyler.

I don't know who Tyler is, but he invited his girlfriend to this party last weekend and Sarah was really pissed off cuz she's Tyler's ex and the new chick is creating drama for everyone cuz no one likes her and Tyler's just parading her in front of everyone and now Sarah's not talking to Amanda cuz Amanda said she kinda liked the new chick and What The Hell Is Up With That doesn't she realize that Tyler's an asshole and he's going to bring this new broad to his parent's house for Thanksgiving and what about the cottage is everyone there going to get along cuz if everyone's going to just fight then it's going to be a disaster ...

The three other women and I were all trying to read. It was as though we all telepathically sent a message to each other. We all glanced up and gave each other the eye. All three of us sighed very loudly, made a big production of closing our books, slapping them down on our laps and all stared up at the ceiling until this stupid woman was done her conversation. Every once in a while one of us would let out an audible sigh. 15 minutes we sat there. 15 minutes I tell you! People were looking over their shoulders to see who was making so much noise. She didn't get the hint.

And this happens Every. Single. Day.

I just want to walk up to these stupid people, yank the phone out of their hands and shout "STOP IT! Stop It! Stop It! Stop It!" Like that crazy flight attendant in the Nicoderm commercial.

I know exactly how she feels and I don't even smoke!

I probably should start drinking, though.


Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Pet Peeve #2B - Shut Up and Drive!

I have walked behind countless people in shopping malls or on the sidewalk while they are talking on the phone. These talkers are weaving like drunken sailors and bumping into other pedestrians. People are swerving out of their way to avoid colliding into them. The talkers often stop suddenly to get their bearings, gazing about with a look of wonder that clearly says 'How did I get here?'

You can't even walk and talk on the phone. What the hell makes you think you can DRIVE and talk on the phone?!

I know there are times when you need to make or take a call. I've done it. But having an entire conversation while driving is not appropriate.

Make the call that tells your spouse/boss/children that you're running late, but make it quick and hang up. Don't call your friends to pontificate on the meaning of life or chatter on about the great sale you were at last week. Don't call clients to close that big deal.

Besides, if you want to properly gossip with your girlfriends, then you really should have a good glass of wine or a martini in your hand! And I'm pretty sure there's a law or two against doing that while driving.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Pet Peeve #2A - It's not a disco!

If your cell phone can play Beethoven's Fifth Symphony or whatever the latest top 10 pop hit happens to be, then it can also vibrate.

Put the damn thing on vibrate!!

No one wants to hear your kitchy phone ring. It's rude, annoying and, most of all, makes you look like an idiot. Believe me when I tell you that no one over the age of 17 should have a cell phone ring that announces they're bringing sexy back.

Don't let it ring three or four times because you think that it's fun or that everyone else wants to dance along with you. We don't. You're just pissing us all off.

If you insist on being a mobile DJ, then at least have the courtesy to put your phone on vibrate while in public. It's like being at a flippin' disco some days on the GO Train with everyone's cell phone playing various tunes!

If you want to listen to music, listen to your iPod or MP3. Which I also have issues with, but I'll save that for another post.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Pet Peeve #1 - Basic Manners

We hear all the time how polite Canadians are. I don't know how they arrived at this conclusion, but whoever they are interviewing is clearly not meeting the same ignorant people that I do. Every. Single. Day.

Two words people: Please. Thank you.

OK. That's technically three words, but you know what I mean.

What happened to saying Please at the end of a request? Or Thank You when something is done for you? My father would cuff me on the back of the head if I didn't say Please and Thank You. It is so habitual for me that I don't even think about it. Even when I go to Starbucks I say Please. "A grande, skinny, vanilla latte, Please". And when I receive my latte, I always say Thank You. Heck, I even throw in a smile! Why not?! Protocol be damned!

What really pisses me off is when you obviously do something for someone (that you didn't have to do in the first place) and they don't even look at you, let alone acknowledge you with a smile and a Thank You. I can't tell you how many times I've held the door open for someone and they've just walked through and not even glanced my way. So I've started loudly saying "You're Welcome!" as they pass through. This usually embarrasses them into saying Thank You. I just raise my eyebrows and give them my best you're-an-idiot look.

So spread the word (or words, rather) that manners are back. Say 'Yes, Please' and 'No, Thank You'. And smile a little.

Please ... and Thank You.