Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Outing The Husband (Exhibit A)

I'm pretty sure The Husband is gay. I point it out to him all the time. He just slaps at me with his limp hand and tells me in his best lisp to Thstop.

Don't get me wrong. I don't mind that he's gay. He does cook and do the laundry. And he does pick out lovely decor for the house.

You don't believe me?

I give you Exhibit A:

We had a new patio sliding door installed on Friday. The old door was more than 20 years old and just not functioning well. I spent 10 minutes after the installation, just gliding the door back and forth.

Door opens.
Door closes.
Door opens.
Door closes.

It was so smooth. I'm in heaven. And so is Puppy. The new doors have hatching between the panes that make them look like French doors. Puppy knows now that he has to stop before he hits the glass. White lines mean stop. Good boy!

So the installer leaves when all is done and The Husband is standing on the patio gazing at the new door, taking it all in, grinning like a maniac.

"Want lunch?" I ask through the nice new screen door. "I'll make a tuna sandwich, seeing as it's Good Friday and all."

He shrugs. "Sure." And I start to walk away to go make said sandwich.

"Wait!" I turn around. "Come back, I have an idea." He's frantically gesturing at me to come back. I roll my eyes. Hang my head. Oh God. This can't be good.

"I know what to do!" He's waving is hands up and down like a little girl and practically dancing from one foot to the other. "Here's what you do ... take a can of tuna, one tablespoon of mustard and one teaspoon of Balsamic vinegar. Mix that together gently, then add mayonnaise so that it just sticks together."

I stare at him.

"Not too much mayonnaise," he says, wagging his finger at me. "Just enough."

I continue staring.

"Do you want me to write that down?"

I sigh.
Trudge into the kitchen and do exactly as he tells me.
I bring the bowl to him for a taste test.
"Oh, that's good."
I got the seal of approval. Yay me!
"Add some celery and you can throw in some olives too if you want."

Back to the kitchen.
Chop celery.
Cut some olives.
Mix ... gently.

Lightly toast some bread, spread the tuna mixture on the toast and Voila!

I take a bite.
MMMmmmmmm.
Damn! That is one fine tuna salad sandwich!
Who woulda thunk?

See what I mean?
Gay.
Flaming!

11 comments:

Busy Bee Suz said...

I always thought that all the good ones were gay. The proof is in the TUNA!!!

Domestic Goddess (In Training) said...

I have secretly always thought my husband is gay, too. Maybe we should hook them up!

Kim Hightower said...

If you get yummy food and laundry done from your gay husband, I would LOVE for mine to swing that way! :-)

Sabrina said...

I love messing with my husband on this issue too...they get so uncomfortable :)

Kristina said...

Bahahahaha! This is greatness! I just started reading your blog (found it on my best friend Sabrina's blog) and have thoroughly enjoyed reading some back posts of yours. Congratulations on getting yourself a new follower. :)

Lyndsay said...

"He just slaps at me with his limp hand and tells me in his best lisp to Thstop."

Quite possibly the funniest thing I've read on a blog. Ever.

Crazy Mo said...

@Busy Bee Suz: Yeah, who are these Pudding people who say the truth is in that?? I bet Cosby started that one.

@Domestic Goddess: That might work. We could all go shopping!

@Kim Hightower: Send him over. Classes are Tuesdays and Thursdays.

@Sabrina: Ah. See. That's the difference. Mine doesn't seem to deny it. Hmmmm ....

@Kristina: Thanks for following! I'll swing by your place.

@Lyndsay: *blush* Thanks!

Lyndsay said...

No, seriously ... it inspired me to create a new place on my blog to link to my "current" favorite posts on the blogosphere. You should be proud, it takes alot to motivate me to do anything, LOL!

Clippy Mat said...

wasn't convinced until i read, "mix that together gently" and then i just knew.
who mixes mayonnaise and tuna 'gently'? only a REAL man with a bit of a gay heart. but that's okay. we like it when they have that side. it balances them out non?

Crazy Mo said...

@Lyndsay: I am proud! I think your blog rocks, so you giving me props is uber cool! Thanks again!

@Clippy Mat: We were down in Key West one year and he ordered his entire meal with a lisp. The gay waiter was hitting on him all night after that. BTW: Great to see you back. We've missed you!

Annje said...

I had a dream my husband was gay once, so I am still suspicious. But he does little cooking or laundry and has no sophistocated ideas for tuna... I'll keep looking for other clues.