Friday, November 6, 2009

Think before you speak

Thanks to CourTini for sending me this.

CourTini is leaving for Italy tonight.
All together now ...
"We hate you, CourTini!"

Oh, not really.
Have a great time, Court!

Have you ever spoken
and wished that you could
immediately take the words back?

Here are the Testimonials of
a few people who did:


I walked into a hair salon with my husband
and three kids in tow
and asked loudly:
"How much do you charge for a shampoo
and a blow job?"

I turned around and walked back out
and never went back.
My husband didn't say a word...
He knew better.


I was at the golf store comparing
different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type
I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the
good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.

Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
"I think I like playing with men's balls."


My sister and I were at the mall
and passed by a store that sold
a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked
if we needed any help.

I replied,
"No, I'm just looking at your nuts."

My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned,
and I turned beet-red
and walked away.
To this day,
my sister has never let me forget.


While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
right now she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and
said in a voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"

The silence was deafening after
this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers
stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last
of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with
my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard as
the door closed behind me,
were screams of laughter.


Have you ever asked your child
a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had
a lot of problems with potty training
and I was on him constantly.

One day we stopped at Taco Bell
for a quick lunch,
in between errands.
It was very busy,
with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny.
So of course, I checked
my seven-month-old daughter,
and she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny
had not asked to go potty
in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said "No".
I kept thinking
"Oh Lord, that child
has had an accident, and I don't
have any clean clothes with me."
Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE
you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,
because the smell was getting worse.
So, I asked one more time,
"Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up,
yanked down his pants,
bent over,
spread his cheeks
and yelled

While 30 people nearly
choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants
and sat down.

An older couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!


This one had most of the
State of Michigan laughing
for two days and
a very embarrassed female news anchor
who will, in the future,
likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow,
but don't get any?

We had a female news anchor who,
the day after it was supposed
to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that eight inches
you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too,
they were laughing so hard!

(Quite frankly, I can't believe
none of these experiences are mine)


Anonymous said...

I think several of them are mine .... how did you know about my bloopers?

Optimistic Pessimist said...

ahhh..I love these. thanks for laughs!!!

C said...

those are SO funny and the funny thing is they all happened! bwahahahahaha thanks for sharing!